Friday Thoughts: Quick Life Update + Easing Back In
After being gone for several weeks, I’m easing back into blogging today with a quick life update.
It’s a hard one to write. Many of you “met” my dear friend, Holli, from this post a couple months ago. Thank you for your response on that post. I can’t overstate what your comments (and all the emails and private messages that flooded in) did to buoy Holli up during what would become the most painful and difficult weeks of her life.
She was so inspired by you. She cried as she read your comments (or as they were read to her) as she realized that her life and example might have possibly inspired others and maybe even helped change lives in some way.
Holli ended her earthly battle with terminal cancer a few weeks ago, and those of us who know her and love her feel the weight of the loss keenly – none more so than her husband and six kids and those extended family members close to her. My heart breaks continually watching this sweet family begin to pick up the pieces of a life without their sweet Holli.
Grief is a funny thing. It invites itself in and settles deep in the heart without asking permission. It can leave you breathless and numb one minute, laughing and crying the next.
At times over the last week or so, I’ve found myself trying to discount my grief and sorrow, telling myself that I wasn’t family to Holli – I was just a friend, and as such, maybe I just need to suck it up a bit? Get on with life?
But I’m learning, cautiously, that grief doesn’t exist on a continuum. One person’s grief is no less substantial or worthy than another person’s. It’s just…different. And we are all entitled to it.
After spending time with Holli and being in her home nearly every day for the last 21 months, I feel like I’ve lost a sister. And it hurts. I hurt for my loss. I hurt for Holli’s heartbroken family. I hurt for the injustice and unfairness of life. I hurt because, well, I just can’t help it.
Holli’s needs and her passing and her funeral (and everything else that is bittersweet and hard in this process) has occupied most of my life space, emotionally, physically and mentally, the last several months.
Added on to that is all the other daily demands of life.
You know. Like, helping an I-refuse-to-believe-he-is-this-old son get ready for his first prom.
And troublemaking pigs escaping fences and peering in at us from back windows.
And making nanaimo bars with a couple of Holli’s sweet nieces the day after her funeral (Holli was born and raised in Canada but her husband’s family had never had the deliciousness of a nanaimo bar, so we made them in Holli’s honor).
And going through the motions of Easter traditions (this is my buddy “T” – Holli’s youngest son), and he was particularly excited to dye hard-boiled eggs.
And fixing garbage disposals in shirts and ties in between church meetings because it’s the only five minutes in the day to do so.
And entertaining kids with spring break diversions (please note: the teenagers wanted nothing to do with the “exciting” rides at the arcade).
And generally just dealing with the other mundane and not so mundane details of a busy, ordinary life while the world, near and far, feels like it’s falling apart.
I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was last year or even a few months ago. I’ve hit pause on a lot of things to figure out how I want to move forward (spoiler alert: I don’t miss social media at all but I DO miss this blogging space and connecting with you).
Thank you to those of you who reached out wondering and worried if I was ok when it was so quiet here and on Instagram for so long. I honestly can’t believe any of you would give it a second thought or think to comment or email me about it. Your concern and prayers and thoughtful, thoughtful words have been a gentle balm to my aching heart. It means more than I can express in words right now. I’m sorry I haven’t yet responded to all the messages.
If you knew spunky, sassy Holli in person, you’d know that she’d be hollering at me to get on with life! Carry on! And “for the love, give the people the dang recipes they want, Mel!” (a direct quote from Holli, haha).
So I’ll be getting back to it little by little. I’m picking up some stray pieces of my own life that I’ve let go by the wayside the last few weeks, and all of it needs to get put back together in the proper order. Some areas involving my kids and other aspects will require a bit more time and TLC than others.
I learned so much from Holli. Namely: God is always, always in the details. She would say that over and over, even in the midst of her worst pain and distress. I have seen the evidence of this more times than I can count over the last couple of years.
One instance that stands out is related to this bagel bread. It is a pretty incredible story. Hopefully I’ll be able share it some day (this post is already getting too long).
In my short remarks at Holli’s funeral, I shared the following message and quote, and I felt like I wanted to share it here, too. It sums up the essence of who Holli is. She was continually focused on service and on her Savior, Jesus Christ, and despite her trials, she had a tremendous amount of hope in good things to come.
As you know, Holli passed away on Good Friday. And just like Christ’s friends and family spent days mourning and weeping after his death, they soon learned…that Sunday will come. The sadness of that Friday did not endure. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death.
As Joseph B. Wirthlin so eloquently put it: “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.”
We love you Holli. Our hearts and lives will never be the same. We are forever changed by your dedication to the Lord as we witnessed how truly and completely you have always loved and ministered to others. I have no doubt that’s exactly what you are doing right now. I testify that Jesus Christ knows Holli. He knows us. He loves us. And He will carry us through the hard and beautiful days ahead.
{artwork from here}
Lastly, thank YOU for being here. For being patient with me as I have navigated a particularly difficult time. And for letting me share a piece of my soul here, even though this is “just” a food blog.
It’s an honor to share this space with you. I know we all face difficult, challenging, and messy lives at times. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are all in this together, and I have been strengthened by your goodness, your kindness, your vulnerability, and your virtual generosity in thoughts and words. I love your guts so very, very much.
I’ll be back next week with some recipes that have been patiently waiting for months for their chance in the spotlight. XOXO
Mel,
Grief is an expression of our love. And, in my experience, it never really goes all the way away; but the loss does become softer and the memories and good times and loving moments become louder. My thoughts and prayers have been with you.
Hi Mel, I know I don’t know you or Holli personally…but her story really grabbed my heart. I’ve been praying for her and her family daily since you posted about her. I will keep her family (and you, too!) in my prayers. Hugs to all of you!!!!
Mel, you are so wonderful. Such a beautiful post! I am inspired by your love for the Savior, for your family, your dear friend, and others. You are a light in this crazy world. Your blog is so much more than a food blog. Thank you for sharing so much of your life.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
What a beautiful post! Grief comes in waves, it is different for everyone, and it cannot be rushed along. Wallow in it, embrace it, and then slowly you will be able to slowly (so very slowly) let it go. In the place of grief, there will be a wonderful collection of memories mingled with the ache of loss. Take your time. Be kind to yourself. Remember always how precious life is. I have definitely missed your posts, but please know that you are so appreciated. We will be here, waiting for you to heal❤
This post had me sobbing. I lost a parent unexpectedly last fall and what you said about grief really resonated with me.
My heart goes out to Holli’s family and friends. Thank you for sharing about her. God IS in the details and I’m so thankful for that. I couldn’t imagine doing life without Him.
And thank you, Mel, for sharing your heart with us. I think a lot of us are struggling right now and it helps to know we are not alone.
Lots of love to you and your family.
Lovely tribute to Holli. God bless you and your family and Holli’s family. Loss is always so hard. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Mel. My deepest, most heartfelt condolences to you and Holli’s loved ones. Thank you for letting us know. What a gift she was, and how sorely she will be missed. So glad to hear you are taking the time you need to prioritize the in-front-of-you humans that need some extra attention, including yourself. Your son (and pig!) are adorable. Sending you a big hug.
Grief is a funny thing. It is such a powerful emotion. The pain that it causes can be almost unbearable. I believe that grief is really just love with nowhere to go. When the person you love is alive, it’s so easy to show them how much you love them with physical actions: a hug, a phone call, a text, words (the list goes on and on). When they are no longer here, you still have the same amount of love but it becomes stuck. There is no more outlet. Love is meant to be shared. It is so painful when love gets stuck inside of you. It’s not easy, especially when the grief is so new and raw, but part of the grieving process should eventually include physical ways that you can still show love for that person. I was devastated when my grandmother passed, but I learned that I can still show my love for her by playing the piano, telling my children stories about her and reading (clean) Jane Austenesque romances..
Thank you for posting this story of yours. It was very real, and I think will touch a lot of people. I know it touched me.
Mel, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m new to your blog so wasn’t aware of all that was happening. Your blog was so beautifully and honestly written, I cried as I read it. The most beautiful part was learning Holli knew Jesus and that you will see her again. I will be praying for you and Holli’s family throughout the coming days.
I don’t normally comment but welcome back and I am so very sorry for your loss. She was blessed to have a friend like you.
Thank you for sharing your life with us Mel. Your tender words brought tears to my eyes. Knowing that our Sunday will come is the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel.
This is such a beautiful post Mel. It made me cry. 🙂 I have missed your frequent recipe posts but it sounds like you were exactly where you needed to be during this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and all those affected by Holli’s loss. She sounds like a wonderful woman of faith, hope, and love for all those around her. We all have our Fridays, but yes, Sunday will come. What a beautiful tribute to your friend. Your grief is only a testament of how much you loved her, so let it come. Take care of your kingdom right now and we’ll all be looking forward to trying new recipes when you return. Take care.
❤️
What a beautiful tribute to your dear dear friend. God bless you all.
Thank you for sharing your life with us Mel – this is more than a food blog. Your words and thoughts are so meaningful to your virtual friends. Your way of describing feelings of grief, frustration, panic (aack! pigs are loose!), fun, and love almost always make me think, “yes! she’s has nailed that emotion!”. However and whenever you post, your virtual friends will be here to support you 🙂
Mel,
Hang in there. So heartbroken for you. I just lost a friend last October to Pancreatic Cancer, she was 54. Her spirit and smile are with me always. It’s amazing how you feel and remember the most simple things when they have moved on. I pray you will see her joy all over in your life!
Your Son is adorable and I want your PIG! Happy Friday Friend!
Thank you for sharing with us your grief. Praying for you and Holli’s family.
Oh my!! I am so sorry for your loss of a wonderful friend. So sad for Holli’s family. Seems so unfair for such a loving person to be taken way too soon. GOD BLESS all of you during this time of grief. Thanks for sharing!
Mel, I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful gift to have had a friend like Holli! I pray that God will console you and comfort you in this time of loss. Thanks be to God for the gift of faith!!! Through it, we always have that beautiful hope that death is not the end, but only the beginning—the beginning of a perfect eternal life with the One who is Love. God bless you and glad to see you back. I’ve missed you!
Your words are beautiful and touching. Praying your soul may find peace and comfort.
Mel, we love you! Thank you for sharing. Sending you a huge virtual hug.
Mel, we love you! Thanks for sharing. Sending you a huge virtual hug.
God Bless you. Know that God never gives us more than we can handle although it may seem like it some times. I am truly sorry for your and Holli’s family loss. Hugs, Jenny
My thoughts are with you and Holli’s family, and all those who have lost loved ones .
Mel;
Here I sit, reading your post in my work’s break room on lunch getting tears in my eyes . I am so touched by your words about your dear Holli and the comfort that all of us will eventually see our own Sundays for those moments when things are hard. Thank you for posting those words; how true and amazing that is! I have been so worried about you the last few weeks and am glad for the update but so sorry to hear. Prayers for you and Hollis other loved ones.
Thank you for sharing Holli’s journey and love for life with us.
Please take the time you need for yourself, we will be there when you feel ready to get back, no pressure ❤ Take care.
At a time like this, there are just no words, only a prayer to you for such a great loss.
Oh Mel, I am so deeply sorry. Grief is so heavy and losing someone you care about so deeply gut wrenching. Even when you know it’s coming it is still so much more painful than imagined when it comes. Thank you for sharing Elder Wirthlin’s quote. It is helping me through my own grief at the loss of my dear mother in law who passed away on Sunday. Hugs and prayers to you and Holli’s family. ♥️
I am so sorry for your loss ❤️
Mel, I am sorry for the loss of your dear sister friend. I hope you and Holly’s family find the strength needed to carry on. The pain ebbs & flows & it is different for all of us.
I am a devoted reader & recipe user & I will include y’all in my prayers. You have been noticeably absent. I understand now why. Take time to heal, dear lady. You owe it to yourself. (& yes, kids grow up way too fast. Prom indeed!)
This was beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss. I first loved this space because of the wonderful recipes. I found you when I was in the middle of post partum depression years ago and making your easy to follow, delicious recipes made me feel so accomplished. It was absolutely a tool in me feeling better. I continue to love this space because of the life stuff you share too. You are a gem. Thank you. I am praying for you and Holli’s other friends and family in this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Take your time easing back in. I’ve been learning lately the importance of taking care of myself, so I can then in turn care for those I love (I can’t take care of my family or others if I’m wearing myself out and giving myself migraines). Thank you for being you.
Again, thank you Mel. Thank you for being you. Thank you for your insight, your example and your service to all. You are amazing and we love you!
Just crying for all of this. Grief is just hard. Its so much more than we can even fathom before we have to be thrust into it and then we have to give it time to work through and heal and learn from.
There are many of us who are processing a year of grief- rather from the loss from a death or a loss in expectation that one expects will come true in moving forward. In my own life I’m clinging to the belief in God and looking for the lessons to come from the scars. It’s not easy but as I look back at times of immense change and trial I can see the lessons learned and the hard skills and perseverance that developed were in the hindsight necessary and needed. Be kind to you as you heal from this loss.
Oh Mel. The amount of sorrow and grief and heartache you have experienced and continue to experience is such a sweet testament of how much you loved your dear friend. Sending prayers to her family, to you and all her friends.
Wow, what a post! I am sobbing reading your words. I am so sorry for your loss! Your thoughts and words touched my heart and I loved your testimony. Hang in there! You are in my prayers. ❤️
I have been praying for you and for your sweet friend’ and her family ❤️ Take all of the time that you need, we’ll still be here. Sending lots of extra love to you guys!
God is definitely in the details. Thank you for sharing this post. I can imagine the pain you, her family, and everyone else her life touched are feeling now. I’m grateful that you shared her story, as it inspired me and many, many others. All those who were blessed in some way by her life are so much better for it, including you. Thank you for your example of selfless, loving kindness and service to Holli and her family as a true friend. May we all strive to be that kind of friend, on regular days and on those tough Fridays we all face in one way or another. Sending lots of hugs ❤️ You are always loved here.
Sending so much love to you and also to Holli’s family. I watched the funeral via zoom and your remarks were so meaningful. Thanks for sharing your heart here.
I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I’ve always believed that friends are the family that we choose; and what a blessed choice that is. Thanks for your inspiring thoughts. Looking forward to Sunday. 🙂
Mel…….I’m so very sorry for your loss of such a dear friend!We are so blessed to make life changing friendships while on this earth. Many are casual but some are the “ family “ we choose! They are the ones who are always there for us, no matter what- as you were to Holli and I’m sure she was for you. That loss is profound and will take time to move forward from. So , be good to yourself and take the time you need. We are here waiting for you and wishing we could help….
Mel, I’m up late working on a few things and just saw your new post. I’m so happy you’re back! I’m one of the people that has been worried and wondering about you. I’m so sorry about Holli – for your loss and for her family. She was very lucky to have you as a friend. Grief is a tricky thing. I’ll be praying for you and for Holli’s family. Your words expressed at her funeral were simply beautiful. Jesus does know and love us all. I know I’m not alone when I say that it wouldn’t matter if you could only post once a year – we’d all still be here! Your blog has changed my world and you are my go-to for preparing hot breakfasts, after-school snacks, and getting dinner on the table. As a lover of nutrition, your blog in invaluable! Take good care of yourself and please know how appreciated you are.
I am so glad to see this post from you, Mel. You say you are surprised that any of us gave it a second thought, but although we’ve never met, I’ve thought of you repeatedly over the last several weeks and months and know I was not the only one. I wasn’t worried about the lack of recipes – we are always excited to get a new one, but you’ve honestly given us a lifetime of recipes already – I was worried about you. I assumed you were dealing with grief and other hard things, and hope that there are sunbursts of joy that break through. You certainly bring that light and life to all of us.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful hope filled and tragic story. May the truths you shared give comfort to all who are enduring this loss. Your recipes and messages are a gift.
I’m so so sorry. Saying goodbye is so hard. I’m saying prayers for you and Holli’s sweet family. I hope you will be comforted as you mourn. My mom passed away the week before Easter. I’ve always felt it was a tender mercy to have the hope of resurrection and eternal families so near each anniversary.
Love to you and your sweet family
I’ve actually been meaning to email you because I figured something big was going on in your life, and I wanted to let you know that I admire you for letting the less important things go so you can focus on what’s MOST important, good, better, best talk by Dallin H. Oaks. I’m sorry I have failed to email you. But your post just brought me to tears and I figured leaving a comment on this post will just have to do. I love you Mel. I look up to you so very very much. Thank you for testifying of Jesus Christ. I, too, feel like a very different person than I was a year ago, and it’s all thanks to Him and some struggles I’ve had in my own life. I am so grateful you are using this blog post to gather scattered Israel and I could not be more grateful for your courage to do so. I love you.
Love to you and your family, and all of Holli’s, too. Of course you are entitled to as much grief as you need! (Recipes can wait!!) And I know God will be there with you in all of it.
Oh Mel♥️♥️. I’m so sorry. I’ll be praying for you and Holli’s family . Thank you for sharing your soul here in this space. You are so loved♥️.
Mel, you are such a treasure! I don’t know you personally, but I feel like we’d be good friends. I always love reading your thoughts and insights. Thank you for all you do and for sharing your heart, testimony, light, and optimism. Reading what you write always makes me smile! Much love!