Friday Thoughts: Quick Life Update + Easing Back In
After being gone for several weeks, I’m easing back into blogging today with a quick life update.
It’s a hard one to write. Many of you “met” my dear friend, Holli, from this post a couple months ago. Thank you for your response on that post. I can’t overstate what your comments (and all the emails and private messages that flooded in) did to buoy Holli up during what would become the most painful and difficult weeks of her life.
She was so inspired by you. She cried as she read your comments (or as they were read to her) as she realized that her life and example might have possibly inspired others and maybe even helped change lives in some way.
Holli ended her earthly battle with terminal cancer a few weeks ago, and those of us who know her and love her feel the weight of the loss keenly – none more so than her husband and six kids and those extended family members close to her. My heart breaks continually watching this sweet family begin to pick up the pieces of a life without their sweet Holli.
Grief is a funny thing. It invites itself in and settles deep in the heart without asking permission. It can leave you breathless and numb one minute, laughing and crying the next.
At times over the last week or so, I’ve found myself trying to discount my grief and sorrow, telling myself that I wasn’t family to Holli – I was just a friend, and as such, maybe I just need to suck it up a bit? Get on with life?
But I’m learning, cautiously, that grief doesn’t exist on a continuum. One person’s grief is no less substantial or worthy than another person’s. It’s just…different. And we are all entitled to it.
After spending time with Holli and being in her home nearly every day for the last 21 months, I feel like I’ve lost a sister. And it hurts. I hurt for my loss. I hurt for Holli’s heartbroken family. I hurt for the injustice and unfairness of life. I hurt because, well, I just can’t help it.
Holli’s needs and her passing and her funeral (and everything else that is bittersweet and hard in this process) has occupied most of my life space, emotionally, physically and mentally, the last several months.
Added on to that is all the other daily demands of life.
You know. Like, helping an I-refuse-to-believe-he-is-this-old son get ready for his first prom.
And troublemaking pigs escaping fences and peering in at us from back windows.
And making nanaimo bars with a couple of Holli’s sweet nieces the day after her funeral (Holli was born and raised in Canada but her husband’s family had never had the deliciousness of a nanaimo bar, so we made them in Holli’s honor).
And going through the motions of Easter traditions (this is my buddy “T” – Holli’s youngest son), and he was particularly excited to dye hard-boiled eggs.
And fixing garbage disposals in shirts and ties in between church meetings because it’s the only five minutes in the day to do so.
And entertaining kids with spring break diversions (please note: the teenagers wanted nothing to do with the “exciting” rides at the arcade).
And generally just dealing with the other mundane and not so mundane details of a busy, ordinary life while the world, near and far, feels like it’s falling apart.
I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was last year or even a few months ago. I’ve hit pause on a lot of things to figure out how I want to move forward (spoiler alert: I don’t miss social media at all but I DO miss this blogging space and connecting with you).
Thank you to those of you who reached out wondering and worried if I was ok when it was so quiet here and on Instagram for so long. I honestly can’t believe any of you would give it a second thought or think to comment or email me about it. Your concern and prayers and thoughtful, thoughtful words have been a gentle balm to my aching heart. It means more than I can express in words right now. I’m sorry I haven’t yet responded to all the messages.
If you knew spunky, sassy Holli in person, you’d know that she’d be hollering at me to get on with life! Carry on! And “for the love, give the people the dang recipes they want, Mel!” (a direct quote from Holli, haha).
So I’ll be getting back to it little by little. I’m picking up some stray pieces of my own life that I’ve let go by the wayside the last few weeks, and all of it needs to get put back together in the proper order. Some areas involving my kids and other aspects will require a bit more time and TLC than others.
I learned so much from Holli. Namely: God is always, always in the details. She would say that over and over, even in the midst of her worst pain and distress. I have seen the evidence of this more times than I can count over the last couple of years.
One instance that stands out is related to this bagel bread. It is a pretty incredible story. Hopefully I’ll be able share it some day (this post is already getting too long).
In my short remarks at Holli’s funeral, I shared the following message and quote, and I felt like I wanted to share it here, too. It sums up the essence of who Holli is. She was continually focused on service and on her Savior, Jesus Christ, and despite her trials, she had a tremendous amount of hope in good things to come.
As you know, Holli passed away on Good Friday. And just like Christ’s friends and family spent days mourning and weeping after his death, they soon learned…that Sunday will come. The sadness of that Friday did not endure. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death.
As Joseph B. Wirthlin so eloquently put it: “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.”
We love you Holli. Our hearts and lives will never be the same. We are forever changed by your dedication to the Lord as we witnessed how truly and completely you have always loved and ministered to others. I have no doubt that’s exactly what you are doing right now. I testify that Jesus Christ knows Holli. He knows us. He loves us. And He will carry us through the hard and beautiful days ahead.
{artwork from here}
Lastly, thank YOU for being here. For being patient with me as I have navigated a particularly difficult time. And for letting me share a piece of my soul here, even though this is “just” a food blog.
It’s an honor to share this space with you. I know we all face difficult, challenging, and messy lives at times. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are all in this together, and I have been strengthened by your goodness, your kindness, your vulnerability, and your virtual generosity in thoughts and words. I love your guts so very, very much.
I’ll be back next week with some recipes that have been patiently waiting for months for their chance in the spotlight. XOXO
Dear Mel, Thanks for sharing about Holli. I’m so sorry for everyone’s grief about her death and appreciate your thoughts. Miss seeing your regular posts but will hang on as long as you need time. Much love.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Although I don’t know you personally.. I love your recipes and posts about food and life. I appreciate your perspective. It reminds me that My life isn’t so bad.
Bless you and yours Mel and Holli’s family! Fridays can be so devastating and beyond belief, but Sunday will come! Love those quotes! Prayers for you and all as you process your grief which is real and should be respected and processed. You need that. Thanks for blessing all of our lives!
I am so so sorry for your loss! And I’m so sorry for her 6 children and husband she leaves behind. It breaks my heart. What an amazing friend to include her family in fun daily activities even when your heart is shattered.
Love and continued prayers for Holli’s family and friends. She touched so many hearts even those of us who didn’t know her. Thank you for sharing your love and testimony through this time.
In the spirit of your last post about Holli and in remembrance of her, I will cherish the little details with my family this week and write one down every day. God bless, Mel.
Mel, I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is heavy, isolating, and encompassing at times. I’m hoping you make progress as you wade through all of the emotions that accompany losing someone (especially in the ravaging battle of cancer). I lost my mom to cancer in late 2019 (she was in her early 60s) and have been healing the past ~18 months or so and frankly, I’m still am working on healing. I’ve come to find that grief is something I’ll forever carry, but it does change over time. A quote I came across this year that has helped me think about grief:
“The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend towards cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering. Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which makes compassion possible.” – Francis Weller
I hope you find the peace and healing you are in need of; may God be with you during this harrowing and heavy time. I’ll be praying for you, your family, and Holli’s family.
Life is Good 🙂
I wanted to give you a great big hug when you wrote about not sure how you should grieve because you are not a family member but “just a friend”. I lost my best friend in college suddenly and it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. We had become SO close over our last semester of school together and then she wasn’t there to start the next semester and I couldn’t move on while the rest of our friend group did. We each handle grief differently and that is ok. It took me a long time to realize that. You take your time. We will be here waiting for recipes when you are ready. Just because you weren’t related doesn’t mean your heart isn’t hurting and your world is different and sad without her there. But just like you, my faith got me through in the end as I know it is doing the same for you.
It was so nice to meet you at the funeral. Your talk was amazing and what a blessing yours and Holli’s friendship was. I loved what you said about grief, because I have had the same internal struggle over my grief of Holli’s death, since I wasn’t able to stay in good contact with her after moving to Utah, but I feel less guilty after reading this post. That doesn’t undervalue my own grief or the bond I once had with Holli. I love Elder Wirthlin’s talk about Sunday will come and have thought about that often since he gave it, and another moment of God being in the details when you shared it. I can already tell you are an amazing women only having met you for a brief time!
Love and hugs to you Mel. Your little food blog is a shining little corner of the internet. Thank you for your beautiful voice and for sharing Holli with us. Your tribute to her makes me want to be a better person. God bless you and your family.
Jesus. Jesus in everything. Blessings and strength to you and all those who are grieving. ❤️
Mel, so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. She is at home now with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Those warm feelings that well up inside you as you go through you day are messages from her telling you she is home at last and no longer in pain and suffering. God bless you for sharing and taking such good care of your friend and her family.
Thank you for being such a fun and positive space and light in this too dark sometimes world. I got an update from the Go Fund Me today and came on here to tell you how sorry I am about your friend. I have lost friends much too soon with children and it is such a heavy load to bear. I’m sorry for your loss and her family’s. You all will be in my prayers ❤️
Your recipes are so good because there’s so much love baked into each one. And this post showed me what your love looks like when it’s baked into the humans around you. I’m sorry for the loss of your dear friend, I’m grateful you would share your grief with your virtual friends, and I wish you peace as often as you need it to manage the grief that you can’t control.
Beautifully and perfectly said.
Thanks for posting! I was worried about you and almost reached out to Brian but thought better of it and remembered your previous post about Holli and put two and two together. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post brought back a flood of memories of my own and a whole bunch of tears. “Fridays” are harder than hard, even with the hope that Sunday will come. I have been thinking of and praying for you and I will continue. Thanks for your faithful example.
xoxo
mel Ball
Oh Mel, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. I’m grateful for your testimony and that you are doing ok despite all you are going through. My heart has been aching for you these last few weeks and I’ve gotten on every day hoping to hear how you we’re doing. So many prayers for you and Holli’s family have been said and will continue to be said. We love your recipes, but we love you even more! <3
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
My heart has ached for you. I am so sorry for this profound loss. She sounds incredible and I am sure she would say the same of you. How blessed to have such a beautiful friend. Be gentle with yourself and continue to take it easy. We are always here! Sending you much love, comfort and peace. xoxo
Hello, dear Mel! I am so sorry for your loss, and proud of you because you are taking the time you need to grieve and take care of other things that need tending right now! I am a Chaplain who leads Grief Support Groups and have found the following resource very helpful.
https://www.centerforloss.com/about-the-center-for-loss/about-dr-alan-wolfelt/
Dr. Alan Wolfelt has such a tender-hearted approach that is based on self-compassion. And he believes the path toward healing is allowing yourself to feel all those challenging feelings associated with grief. I highly recommend this book as well:
https://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/understanding-your-grief/
(I have no connection with Dr. Wolfelt and receive no benefits from recommending these things. Just very helpful resources!)
You as well as Holli’s family are being held in the light of God’s love through the prayers of so many! Love and hugs.
I am bawling my eyes out. My heart aches for you, your sweet friend and her family. I am just so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful friend and example you are of Christ like love!
I’ve read more of your blog posts than any other blogger out there. Your friend Holli sounded like a friend we all have, and someone to truly cherish. I’m so sorry for your loss and her family’s loss. Death is a very difficult thing, but it is also beautiful. The pain is so hard and the hurt is almost unbearable. But Holli was right, God is always in the details. I am sure and I pray that you and your loved ones who have felt this loss are closer than ever and are closer to God than ever. Much love Mel. Your blog will always and forever be my favorite.
My friend died from cancer as well a few weeks ago. I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I think grief is a pain that is circular. Just like faith is something you have to have over and over again, grief and pain visit again and again and each time you deal with it, it changes you. And just like the Savior dealt with grief and pain and all the injustices of life, you get to taste a small portion of what makes us love Him and grateful for Him. Grief makes us more like our Savior in ways we can only learn that way. It also is an invitation to be healed by Him in ways we cannot heal ourselves. Prayers for your sweet friend’s family. She really isn’t that far away. I loved your quote you shared at the funeral.❤️
Wow I felt the Spirit so strong reading your post. What a blessing Holli continues to be in so many lives. Thank you for your testimony, it is powerful! I’m sending my love and prayers to you and her loved ones. I pray that God will bring all of you peace, comfort and strength. I know He cares and loves you individually.
Love,
Maren
How could we not be thinking, or worried, about you?? Yeah, you post some pretty fantastic recipes, but you’ve also cultivated a beautiful corner of the internet, and that’s a big part of why we keep coming back here.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Feel the pain and grief. If you love someone, it’s only right you feel those things when they are gone. And what an honor to have been friends with such a special person! Hang on to the memory of her. It will be so good.
Also, I can’t wait to see how things change and grow around here, as you change and grow! That’s such an important, great part of life. AND I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NO MATTER HOW THINGS CHANGE.
Dear Mel…
I don’t know you in person but I feel I know your heart. Thank you for speaking heart to heart and for touching my heart deeply. Sending much love and many prayers your way! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet friend Holli. She sounds like an absolutely amazing human and was able to spread joy and kindness to many. Hope you find peace, Mel, as you navigate through such a difficult time.
Such eloquent words Mel ……. and this is so much more than “just a food blog”. Hoping your memories of Holli will help your heart heal.
Such an uplifting post! Thank you for being human, thank you for being you. There is so much fake in the world – it is so refreshing to read about real people. So grateful you are willing to share a piece of you.
I have nothing profound to say. I just wanted to let you know that Holli, her family, you and your family will be in my prayers. ❤️
I am very sorry for your loss. When the blog was quiet, I wondered about Holli. The loss for her family is devastating. The picture of her little boy, so beautiful. So much loss this year it is difficult to comprehend. Prayers to everyone dealing with loss and working to move forward each day.
I’m sorry, Mel, that you have lost your beautiful friend. She is an amazing soul-I’m glad you were able to know her and share a piece of your lives together. My heart goes out to you as you grieve. Prayers for her family as well. I hope Christ’s peace will be with and sustain you all. Thinking of you!
No words… just sending all the love. ❤️❤️❤️ We miss your recipes, but take all the time you need to heal. ❤️
Just sitting here, crying my eyes out! Thank you for being so vulnerable, honest and open. Thank you for sharing your friendship with Holli , with a complete stranger who uses your blog daily for meal ideas. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts. I have been touched and will appreciate the mundane, beautiful things of everyday life.
Love you, Mel. I’m so sorry for this pain and grief you are carrying. And for her family’s broken hearts. Thank goodness for the knowledge of
the Plan to help us get to our “Sundays”. Thinking of you!
Oh Mel! I wept as I read this. I am so sorry for the loss of that sweet wife, mother, and friend.. Remembering friends and family tops any ol’ recipe. I prayed for Holli when you first told us about her. I too loved her from your description of her. Thank you for sharing your beautiful talk. We are so blessed to have a Savior who loved Holli and will now send comfort to her family and her friends. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Amen! I am so sorry for your loss. Your food blog is way more than food. You strengthen me, you make me laugh. I refer to you as Mel, my friend. Thank you for your testimony. You will see Holli
Saying a prayer for Holli’s family and dear friends. Praise God for his love, mercy and redemption. Thank you for sharing this tender part of your life.
So very sorry to hear about your incredible friend and the sorrow you are feeling now. It sounds like a sacred time you were able to spend together. I hope you feel peace in the coming days. ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ Grief and mourning are strange and nonsensical at times. I hope you’ll give yourself grace in all stages of it – just like Christ does. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer as well, I’m grateful Holli had a friend like you and you had her as a friend.
So very sorry for your loss. I appreciate your thoughts on grief. They ring so true with me. Once you feel that kind of grief it changes you. I’m grateful for the gospel and how it’s helped change me for the better.
Came here to figure out what to make for dinner and ended up reading about your friend instead. I’m so sorry for your loss and for all of her friends and family. What a beautiful person. I’ll be praying for you all tonight now.
I’m sorry for your loss, Mel. What a hard thing for everyone to endure. My heart breaks for Holli’s family and friends. Thank you for sharing these tender thoughts. ❤️
May God bless and keep all who love Holli. What a heartbreaking yet lovely post. Thank you for sharing it.
I shall hold close in my heart Holli’s phrase “God is always in the details”. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. God bless you Mel and healing, hope and blessings to you and Holli’s families and friends. I lost my brother a few months ago. I understand grief. I pray that your grief will be replaced with the warm and loving memories of Holli that bring you comfort and peace.
Wishing you time, space, and peace during your grieving process. Sending hugs
Mel, thank you so much for this post. In the short time I knew her, Holli touched my heart. I still remember the day Holli called Tiffany to tell her of her diagnosis and how much she cried for her and with her on the phone. Holli was such a sweet soul and she will be greatly missed by everyone who knew her. Your remarks you made at her funeral made me get all choked up! I am so glad you are doing okay and you are also an amazing woman of God whom He and the Savior are very proud of. XOXO-Jenn
You and Holli have been on my heart these past few weeks. I’m sorry her famil,y and dear friends now have to experience her loss but can rejoice too now that she is with Jesus. Take your time Mel as grieving takes a while. We your readers and friends are patient and love you.
Mel, thank you so much for who you are. I came here to look for a dessert recipe and am leaving with tears and a renewed desire to get through hard days. A beautiful tribute to a dear friend. Thank you for being here for us as I hope we can be for you sometimes as well.
Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate your clear and fixed priorities on God and family. So well written.
I am so, SO sorry for your and that sweet family’s loss. So utterly heartbreaking and unfair. Each time I went to your site over these past few weeks to get a recipe, I noticed that you hadn’t posted anything new, and I knew that you must be focusing on your fleeting time with your friend. You are most certainly allowed to mourn and grieve even though you aren’t “technically” family. I am glad her family has wonderful people like you in their lives to help pick up the pieces. Sending so much love to her family and to you! <3
A beautiful tribute from one beautiful friend to another. Thank you for sharing. ❤️