Friday Thoughts: Quick Life Update + Easing Back In
After being gone for several weeks, I’m easing back into blogging today with a quick life update.
It’s a hard one to write. Many of you “met” my dear friend, Holli, from this post a couple months ago. Thank you for your response on that post. I can’t overstate what your comments (and all the emails and private messages that flooded in) did to buoy Holli up during what would become the most painful and difficult weeks of her life.
She was so inspired by you. She cried as she read your comments (or as they were read to her) as she realized that her life and example might have possibly inspired others and maybe even helped change lives in some way.
Holli ended her earthly battle with terminal cancer a few weeks ago, and those of us who know her and love her feel the weight of the loss keenly – none more so than her husband and six kids and those extended family members close to her. My heart breaks continually watching this sweet family begin to pick up the pieces of a life without their sweet Holli.
Grief is a funny thing. It invites itself in and settles deep in the heart without asking permission. It can leave you breathless and numb one minute, laughing and crying the next.
At times over the last week or so, I’ve found myself trying to discount my grief and sorrow, telling myself that I wasn’t family to Holli – I was just a friend, and as such, maybe I just need to suck it up a bit? Get on with life?
But I’m learning, cautiously, that grief doesn’t exist on a continuum. One person’s grief is no less substantial or worthy than another person’s. It’s just…different. And we are all entitled to it.
After spending time with Holli and being in her home nearly every day for the last 21 months, I feel like I’ve lost a sister. And it hurts. I hurt for my loss. I hurt for Holli’s heartbroken family. I hurt for the injustice and unfairness of life. I hurt because, well, I just can’t help it.
Holli’s needs and her passing and her funeral (and everything else that is bittersweet and hard in this process) has occupied most of my life space, emotionally, physically and mentally, the last several months.
Added on to that is all the other daily demands of life.
You know. Like, helping an I-refuse-to-believe-he-is-this-old son get ready for his first prom.
And troublemaking pigs escaping fences and peering in at us from back windows.
And making nanaimo bars with a couple of Holli’s sweet nieces the day after her funeral (Holli was born and raised in Canada but her husband’s family had never had the deliciousness of a nanaimo bar, so we made them in Holli’s honor).
And going through the motions of Easter traditions (this is my buddy “T” – Holli’s youngest son), and he was particularly excited to dye hard-boiled eggs.
And fixing garbage disposals in shirts and ties in between church meetings because it’s the only five minutes in the day to do so.
And entertaining kids with spring break diversions (please note: the teenagers wanted nothing to do with the “exciting” rides at the arcade).
And generally just dealing with the other mundane and not so mundane details of a busy, ordinary life while the world, near and far, feels like it’s falling apart.
I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was last year or even a few months ago. I’ve hit pause on a lot of things to figure out how I want to move forward (spoiler alert: I don’t miss social media at all but I DO miss this blogging space and connecting with you).
Thank you to those of you who reached out wondering and worried if I was ok when it was so quiet here and on Instagram for so long. I honestly can’t believe any of you would give it a second thought or think to comment or email me about it. Your concern and prayers and thoughtful, thoughtful words have been a gentle balm to my aching heart. It means more than I can express in words right now. I’m sorry I haven’t yet responded to all the messages.
If you knew spunky, sassy Holli in person, you’d know that she’d be hollering at me to get on with life! Carry on! And “for the love, give the people the dang recipes they want, Mel!” (a direct quote from Holli, haha).
So I’ll be getting back to it little by little. I’m picking up some stray pieces of my own life that I’ve let go by the wayside the last few weeks, and all of it needs to get put back together in the proper order. Some areas involving my kids and other aspects will require a bit more time and TLC than others.
I learned so much from Holli. Namely: God is always, always in the details. She would say that over and over, even in the midst of her worst pain and distress. I have seen the evidence of this more times than I can count over the last couple of years.
One instance that stands out is related to this bagel bread. It is a pretty incredible story. Hopefully I’ll be able share it some day (this post is already getting too long).
In my short remarks at Holli’s funeral, I shared the following message and quote, and I felt like I wanted to share it here, too. It sums up the essence of who Holli is. She was continually focused on service and on her Savior, Jesus Christ, and despite her trials, she had a tremendous amount of hope in good things to come.
As you know, Holli passed away on Good Friday. And just like Christ’s friends and family spent days mourning and weeping after his death, they soon learned…that Sunday will come. The sadness of that Friday did not endure. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death.
As Joseph B. Wirthlin so eloquently put it: “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.”
We love you Holli. Our hearts and lives will never be the same. We are forever changed by your dedication to the Lord as we witnessed how truly and completely you have always loved and ministered to others. I have no doubt that’s exactly what you are doing right now. I testify that Jesus Christ knows Holli. He knows us. He loves us. And He will carry us through the hard and beautiful days ahead.
{artwork from here}
Lastly, thank YOU for being here. For being patient with me as I have navigated a particularly difficult time. And for letting me share a piece of my soul here, even though this is “just” a food blog.
It’s an honor to share this space with you. I know we all face difficult, challenging, and messy lives at times. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are all in this together, and I have been strengthened by your goodness, your kindness, your vulnerability, and your virtual generosity in thoughts and words. I love your guts so very, very much.
I’ll be back next week with some recipes that have been patiently waiting for months for their chance in the spotlight. XOXO
Mel, You are such an amazing person!! Thank you for showing Holli and her family what a true friend is, especially when it is HARD!! Be patient with yourself. Grief comes and goes. There is no hurry. I will continue to pray for all of you!
I was very happy and grateful to see you post! I’ve been worried that maybe you decided it was all just too much; then reading the journey you’ve been on supporting Holli’s family, taking care of your own family and living life including renegade pigs and a handsome son going to prom; everything made sense. I may not know much but I do know this; grieving is hard work and there are no shortcuts. Give yourself time and permission to do whatever it is you need to do. There will be hills and valleys but with patience and prayer and kindness toward your heart you will heal. Hang in there! One day you will find yourself laughing and smiling for real.
Mel, it is OUR honor to share this space with YOU! I am so sorry for your pain and am amazed by the loving friend and human that you are. Even though we know so much about death and resurrection and Jesus Christ and his love and power and promises, it is ok and even good that we still feel so very sad when someone we adore moves to their next stage of life without us. It is so hard and beautiful at the same time. Thank you for sharing your grief with us just a little, and for taking time to take care of yourself and those you love. We can wait patiently. I always love your blog posts, no matter how close or far between they are, and if they have something to do with food or not! Take care friend, and thank you for revolutionizing dinner and food at our house. <3
Delicious – will make again!
I love your kind, sweet heart so very much! Every time I read one of your heart felt blog posts that love for you grows! You are such an amazing woman Mel. Such an example of the believers, of Jesus Christ. You share your talents, not only your amazing recipes but your words of wisdom, faith, and humor 🙂 Thank you for opening up your heart, and for sharing your thoughts here. Missions come in many different forms – you serve a mission every day in the work that you do – and you probably don’t recognize it – but it’s true! Hugs and prayers. What a blessing the gospel of Jesus Christ is. What a comfort it is to know that Friday’s are not the end, but that our Sunday will come as well! Love you!
Mel,
I am so sorry for your loss. I have missed you so much the last few weeks. I was worried and kept checking the blog to no avail. I knew you were taking care of whatever needed it the most and I hoped you would be back. God is in the details. I pray for all your continued healing.
Ann Federwisch
Mel’s is not “just” a food blog! It’s a life blog that shares your heart and love for Jesus Christ.
Peace be with you and Holli’s family.
❤️ I am in tears reading about your sweet friend and all those who love her and are left behind waiting for the day they can see her again. Thank you for sharing your pain with us.
Mel, I am so profoundly sorry for the loss of your dear, inspiring friend, Holli. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and continue to remember her legacy during those times when I feel less than. I wish you strength and the ability to give yourself grace during this very difficult time. Thank you for taking time to update us. Wishing you all strength and love.
I’m so sorry mel… I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you as her dear friend and for her sweet family. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing holli’s goodness with us, it inspires me to be better. Sending lots of love and prayers
Never just a food blogger…As you can see by the many comments people were not worried about the recipes, they were concerned about Mel. A woman that most of us have never met or will never meet in person, but a woman that we feel we know. I come to your blog daily not only to feed my family great food from your recipes, but to connect with an incredible human being! A human being that allows all of us to see real life, someone that is not afraid to let people see the good, the bad and everything in between.
Thank you for always being real Mel! You take your time healing! Always remember that your friend was incredibly blessed to have you by her side as we all are daily to be a part of your world! Praying that you continually see and feel love!
Dearest Mel: Thank you for sharing your grief with us and for honoring Holli with us. We all mourn her loss for you and for her family. Please know that this isn’t just a food blog. None of us would have subscribed if it were just another food blog. This is a place where food is love and when I have the itch to make ….. well,….. anything, I look at your blog first to see if you have a favorite recipe for that thing because you have literally never let me down. My “favorite” recipe for whatever is usually yours.
We miss you but we want you to have the time to recover from this awful loss and when you feel ready, we will be here ready to cook you out of that corner. Being a good cook is about measure and method, but more so it is about heart and soul. You have that in spades and it is what makes you successful.
My sister died young from cancer. You know what she told me before she died? She said “Don’t waste a day”.
You will get there. And we will be with you.
I love your thoughts here, Colleen. Thank you for sharing your sister’s sweet words. They brought me to thinking and tears. <3
Sending so much love to Holli’s family and you, her family, too. I lost my mother when I was 10, and it was so wonderful to have friends and extended family include us in traditions (like egg dyeing) when the grief was too much for dad. Thank you for being your generous self, and may Holli be in peace.
Mel, this is a wonderful tribute. I pray it was a small measure of healing for you, as it is a huge blessing to your readers. Continued prayers for you, your family, Holli’s family and everyone she touched in her earthly life. God is always in the details-Love that!
Gosh I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sweet friend. Thank you for updating and for loving her family so well. Praying for all of you as you continue on in faith. I love how you have honored Jesus with your words and actions in her family’s life.
I am so sorry for the deep loss of your beautiful friend, Holli. She has touched many lives and will live on in the hearts of those who loved her dearly and those she never met because of you, her amazing friend, sharing memories of her life. Hugs to you.
Thank you for this post, just last Saturday I found out one of my best friends sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend’s mom and oldest sister died from cancer before they were 45, same as a lot of her extended family. Yesterday I just found out that another really good friend’s mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Both of them have to have immediate surgery, both don’t know what stage yet. I was in the store when I got the message yesterday about the second one. I hurried and left to go home. As soon as I got home I started to bawl. Just intense pain and grief for both of my dear friends. I was promoted to check your blog. I couldn’t read it all then, but just knew then I needed to pray. I have been doing a lot of praying since then for my friends and their families. I just finished your post and thank you for your testimony about our Savior, Resurrection, and that Sunday will come.
I’ve thought about Holli multiple times since your last post about her. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your faith.
Thinking of you. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart with us.
Beautiful post Mel and beautiful talk at the funeral! As far as getting back into blogging and giving the people the dang recipes- yes! I love new recipes and get so excited when you post them, but that’s not really the reason I keep coming back here. And I’m pretty sure most people agree with me. It’s because of you. It’s because you are kind and hilarious and generous and make me want to be better. And it’s not just words. I see you being that way in real life. If I didn’t feel like such a stalker I would invite you to do things with me more often just so I could learn from you! Thanks for being you and sharing it with the rest of us! XO Jackie
I’m so happy you’re back!!!!! Sorry it’s been rough lately though. Love & hugs!
I’ve thought of Holly and her family almost daily since you first posted about her. I will continue to pray for you all as you navigate your profound sadness from her loss. What a beautiful soul she was and what a beautiful friend you were to her and are to her family.
I am so sorry for your loss. Holli was obviously an amazing person and I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose someone like that. My heart has been heavy for you and her family knowing you are going through this. So many hugs and prayers for you all.
Oh, Mel. My cheeks are wet with tears. I’ve worried about you, prayed for you, and checked every day to see if you would pop up somewhere. I am so deeply sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing your heart and words us – words, which by the way I have loved but forgotten and are the exact words that I think I need to share with a friend today who is also mourning a devastating loss. Your blog is so much more than a food blog to me. I learn from you in so many ways. Take all the time you need. I’ll be here whenever you make it back, and in the meantime we’re enjoying some of our Mel favorites and catching up on some of yours that I’ve been eager to try and missed along the way. Sending so much love your way!
My heart breaks for you and Holli’s family. I’ve missed you. More so, I’ve been worried about you. I hope you can navigate this new normal. I can imagine what a rock you have been to Holli’s family. Your families will be in my prayers. I’ll still be here when you get back into the swing of recipes again. >hugs<
(Just made your frosted brownies tonight. They were delicious.)
I love your blog. I love your recipes and I love your testimony. I’m so sorry for your loss. Loss seems big lately. I was just thinking the other day – where is Mel? Thanks for sharing your loss and your learning. I appreciate you. You’re an amazing young Mom and fantastic cook! Sending lots of love.
Kathy Christensen
You have been missed! I’m sorry that you are experiencing such a great loss. It sounds like Holli was a wonderful person. It’s completely understandable that you need a break. When my premature baby died and then later my dad died suddenly in a car accident I remember thinking, “the world just needs to stop for a minute, a life was lost and I’m heartbroken.” Grief is so tough. You will learn how to manage it and move on, but you’ll never forget. It definitely changes us. It has taught me to have more empathy for others and focus on what’s really important in life. Hang in there 🙂
My heart goes out to you and Holli’s family. Your post brought tears to my eyes and feelings I haven’t felt in a while. I lost my dad to terminal cancer when I was 13. It was a life-altering experience and we saw God’s hand through it all, many times through the hands of angels. People like you.
There is life after grief like that. It changes your heart like nothing else can. I came to know God in away that has stayed with me my entire life. The heartache I experienced was painfully hard for years, very few around me truly knew. But I know He carried me. I know He will carry you and that sweet family. My heart truly goes out to you all. You will always be one of my favs on the internet. Take care of you and your family. What a beautiful example of Christ-like service you’ve been able to give them. That will stay with them too. ♥️♥️♥️
I’ve never met you but send you all the love I have. Take care of you, your family and your friend. ❤️❤️❤️
This was a beautiful post
I’m so sorry your loss. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions and the beautiful words from the funeral. Although I’ve missed your posts, I totally understand. Take as much time as you need to grieve and heal. Sending love and prayers.
Thank you so very much for sharing your beautifully tender and loving thoughts. May you be blessed in your heart and soul and know that our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are ever present to buoy us up through all of our life journeys.
I am sending love and prayers your way. Thank you for all that you do. You and Holli both make me want to be better. Thank you for the delicious recipes and for the inspiration and hope.
Although we’ve never met, you wouldn’t believe how many times over the last month I’ve checked your blog, not seen a new post, and mentioned to somebody (husband, sister, my other personalities) “I wonder where Mel is and I hope she’s ok, I hope her friend is ok. I hope they’ll all be ok”. I felt nosy wondering what might be wrong, but please just know that I’m so sorry for your loss. For her family’s loss. I’m so sorry about the grief and sadness. How lucky that family is to have the help of an amazing friend to navigate the nightmare. Please don’t feel pressure to rush back until you are ready. I’m guessing people have been wondering, but more out of concern and care than absolutely needing a new recipe. Thanks for sharing your story
I’m so sorry to hear of the passing of your dear friend. I’m praying for you, your family and Holly’s family.
As a fellow Canadian, I’m so glad you were able to introduce Nanaimo bars to her family. Somehow, baking helps.
You are a blessing in the lives of so many, Mel! It is never easy to lose a friend. Please know how much we all love and care about you! Much love and prayers headed your way. ❤️❤️
Oh Mel, thank you for the update and for your sweet testimony. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. That Joseph B. Wirthlin quote has always been a favorite of mine, I revisit it every Easter and whenever I find someone in the midst of their own Friday. Your son is so handsome, hope he has a wonderful prom. And I hope that the pieces of life come together for both your family and Holli’s. You are a good friend and your website and social media is a good, happy place for me to fall. I felt the Spirit reading today, thank you.
What a beautiful tribute to you, Holli, your families and the power of friendship and relationship. I’m so sorry. Praying for all.
So much love to you, Mel! Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. Take as long as you need to grieve…you truly did lose a sister. It sounds like you and Holli were meant to cross paths and learn from and be strengthened by one another. Thank you for allowing us to see part of the journey and to be touched by it. My heart goes out to you!
Sending love and prayers, along with big hugs to all of you. This post was beautifully and poignantly written. Holli was so blessed to have you in her life. Lord carry Holli’s family and friends as they step from Friday to Sunday.
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Sorry for your loss.
This was beautiful Mel, thanks for sharing. Holli was one of a kind she will be missed by so many. So grateful she had so many kind and loving friends and family with her at the end of her life. ❤️
Thank you for the goodness you share! I appreciate your bitter truth followed by a beautiful hope. You definitely encourage me to seek for things of a better world.
Take the time you need grieve. I love you and your blog and I hope you keep blogging in the future but for now take the time to be in the space your need to be in. And thank you for the recipes. I just made the fallen chocolate cake for my own birthday cake.
I admire you more than you know. Thank you for being so honest with your feelings and your pain. You take all the time you need to heal and to be there for your family. That is what is most important.
This is a beautiful post, thank you so much for being willing to share something so personal. That talk from Elder Wirthlin is one of my favorites – I listen to it on Easter every year. Also, we say in our house that everyone gets to feel how they feel and of course you feel so much grief mourning your friend. Hoping all the kindness, love and light you share with others comes back to you during this difficult time.
We have missed you, Mel! I am so sorry for your loss and her family’s loss. Hugs & prayers to you as you mourn and grieve your dear friend. What a gift you were to Holli and are to us!
Mel, the tributes to you and Holli pull at my heart strings. What a wonderful friend you have been to Holli and her family during this difficult time. I can only imagine how the two of you touched each other’s life …..and in a good way. At this very moment I am praying for Holli’s family, and for you and yours. Thank you for being there when Holli and her precious family needed you. Thank you for being there for them now. You make the world a better place for being in it. You inspire many of us to do the same. You are loved!
Wow Mel. This post really touched my heart to the core. Thank you for sharing such deep and tender thoughts. Your grief is valid, and allow yourself time to sit with it and work through it. We will still be here anxiously awaiting your next recipe or post. You have been a blessing to our family, and your recipes have blessed our kitchen for many years! Thank you!